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A Drowning Tragedy

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Wednesday, September 1st, 2010
Im posting here again because Im almost completely positive no one reads this anymore and with school writing anymore is that last thing that I want to do.

I am just so frustrated with everything lately. Most of my anger is definetly directed at Jon because I just feel like Im carrying the weight of myself, the baby to come, and HIM all by myself. It was just recently that I had to put up boundaries that I would no longer do anything (like give him ride or pay for his house arrest or pay to get his dog her shots and fixed) and then he seems to respect that for a while but now Im worried that if I dont push him that he will never get anything done. This pregnancy is not being taken as seriously as it should be with him. I just had to pay over $2800 to the doctors and of course thats only going to be a fraction of the costs to come. And do you think he will ever help out with ANY of those costs? NO! Will he ever pay me back the money that he already owes me? NO! He tells me he has plans to do all of these things but I dont have the time to wait until these plans are convienent enough for him to get around to. Im already half way through the pregnancy....HOW MUCH FUCKING TIME COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED! Just set a date. Make a fucking phone call. DO SOMETHING! I need him to realize that this baby is coming and this situation is real and its going to change EVERYTHING in our lives....but in the back of my head I feel like I should be saying it's going to change everything in MY life.

And being pregnant has definitely separated me from a lot of my previous friends because I cant go out and party so it's like I spend 99.9% of my time at home by myself just wishing that the day would just end so that I can go to sleep. I feel like I can't do anything. I tried going out with my friends while they were drinking and having a good time and I cant even participate in half of the activities because our normal hang outs were at bars or doing things like going to clubs...etc... And the other reason I'm always stuck at home is because whenever me and Jon do go out...I WIND UP PAYING FOR EVERYTHING (including his alcohol whenever he wants to go to a bar) because he doesnt see the point in getting a job. He's counting on waiting until he does a training program that pays while it trains but how long is that going to take. Meanwhile, I'm trying to save whatever money I can but I can't keep sitting at home and doing nothing. I'm going crazy!

Im getting bored and complacent and I dont even know what to do with myself anymore. Im just falling in this deeper depression.

current mood: morose


Sunday, April 18th, 2010
6:10 pm
Ugh...So Wet Republic seriously just made my shit list. Anyways...

Finally everything is going good. Im working a lot more hours now, which does have its downfall but more money can never be a bad thing.

And Im happy to say Im with the person I love after waiting all of this time! Only had to wait 8 months but it's time well worth the wait.

And the last happy thing to share is that I got rid of the two people who annoy me most (well as of lately) Sylvia and Everett...All in the same weekend. And in large part thanks to Katie! LoL


current mood: pleased


Saturday, April 10th, 2010
11:08 am
Everything is finally starting to go my way!

I have a beautiful girl

I have a job

I have a good relationship with my mother

And Im finally going to be getting off paper!


Go me!

current mood: thankful


Tuesday, March 30th, 2010
1:52 pm

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and

a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper .
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .. ......... so does she.


Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010
2:47 pm
I dont even know why I care anymore. Why I cant seem to go one day without thinking of you... waiting for a call.. or anything. It wasnt even that long that you were back in my life and already its taken me what feels like a lifetime to stop thinking of you.

I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you

Dashboard Confessional


Tuesday, March 16th, 2010
3:20 am - </3
I don't know why but I still feel a little heart broken. I was really wanting you and of course I went the insecure route because I was afraid to screw everything and low and behold I did. And after all was said and done instead of telling you what was really wrong from the beginning I just lashed out in the most immature way possible.

God, Im retarded.

Anyways...on a lighter note...I took in this poor abondoned cat that was hanging out on our wall. And it's like to SWEETEST cat ever. She just hangs out with me in my lap every chance she gets and is so affectionate! I love her already. Got a couple ideas on names so I have to get her a collar sometime soon.

And also...I have finally made it through drug court. I graduate Wednesday! Finally all of my legal problems are taken care of! YaY!

OMG Im turning into the cat lady at 23.

Fucking Lame!


Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
8:04 pm
I seriously can't stand being sick all day, everyday... Totally not the business.

Especially alone.

Worst time ever.

Guess its what I should have expected all along.

current mood: sick


9:29 am

8 more days! =)

current mood: anxious


Monday, March 8th, 2010
9:14 pm
Ive had such a long day...

current mood: tired


Friday, March 5th, 2010
9:55 pm
Last night would help qualify as like the 5th worst day of my life.

Getting suprising news is never congenial.


current mood: pessimistic


Thursday, March 4th, 2010
4:49 pm
I hate that I just cant seem the find the things I want to do with my life. I'll start one thing and then decide Im interested in something else and then I wind up not finishing anything because I cant make up my mind and stick to one thing long enough.

I frustrate myself sometimes...

current mood: frustrated


1:53 pm
So Im looking at a couple places in Texas to go to college for the fall and Im so conflicted between two of the cities.

Guess Im going down there for Spring Break to decide.

current mood: okay


Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010
6:14 pm
Boredom is a bitch!


Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
9:46 am
Im so glad its such a great day outside. Nothing like getting up first thing in the morning, hopping in a hot tub with your best friend and drinking jack and coke with plans of drunk dialing!


I love these days!

current mood: happy


Sunday, February 28th, 2010
10:06 pm
Nascar was so awesome! Kinda crazy too....I ran into an old friend of mine from jr high/high school that I just happened to be talking about the other day. Other than that there were lots of drinks. Jack and Coke with losts of beer to top it off. And we just had perfect timing when it came to parking and leaving the event center, It only took us like 20 minutes to get in and out of the parking lot, which is like a world record when it comes to Nascar.

And for my first time ever I had Rebertos! And it was AMAZING! The bean and cheese burrito makes anyones day!

Although through all of this it sort of took a lot out of me to put on a happy face. I had an upsetting event happen to me this morning and I just knew since Friday I would get the news but I had just hoped for different. The specifics of course I'll keep to myself (which I guess doesnt make for a very good journal) so I guess all Im going to say about this is that its nothing I cant get over because I just saw it coming.

Oh well....Cant get everything you want, right?

Time to get to bed....

current mood: indifferent


11:05 am
YaY! Going to Nascar!

WiTh A bOtTlE oF jAcK!!!!

current mood: excited


Wednesday, February 24th, 2010
3:58 pm
I just woke up this morning in the most touchy mood. I seem to be senstitive to EVERYTHING!

This is one of those days where I wish everything could revolve around me and everyone told me how great I am lol

I know...self centered to the fullest.

Then Im watching One Tree Hill and its this super emotional episode and I just sat on my couch and cried through the whole thing.

Talk about that time of the month or what?

current mood: morose


Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
10:42 am - Thought of the Morning....
I am just truely annoyed by bitter people. They hold on to ONE thing that hurt them and then apply it to every situation in their lives. The example I'll use here is relationship...my friend keeps saying that he will "never treat a girl like a human being again (and yes I know that  the dude is a dog) because he had a relationship that ended and he just keeps telling me "I had one and look what happened" so he never wants one again. I dont think being bitter really gets you any closer to not being hurt because everytime something comes along that would remind you of the hurt you have to feel it all over again. And then having to try and tell them to let it go and be more open seems to get you nowhere and then youre stuck listening to the SAME FUCKING PROBLEM! Ugh...what a waste of time.

current mood: stressed


Monday, February 22nd, 2010
11:06 am
I finally got my divorce finalized!!! Tonight I have to celebrate being single lol

Now its time to work on my bankruptcy..ugh

current mood: cheerful


Saturday, February 20th, 2010
5:06 am
Finally I found the girl that i have always wanted to be with!  Its all a wish I wanted to come true; Katie is finally the girl for me and  couldnt be happier. Shes the girl I can see a realrelationship going anywhere with.

Thank god for tonight. I found my true love

current mood: quixotic


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